Divorce Parenting

Who suffers the most when parents divorce? Their children suffer the most. It is your obligation to understand and learn how to handle children in this very delicate and confusing situation for them.

It is very common to hear children comment of a strange person in their house. “My mum married another man. She asks me to be nice to him but no matter how hard I try, I can’t.  I want my dad to be back. I hate seeing this strange guy walking around my house, convincing me that he’s my friend. He can never be my friend! Because of him, my dad had to leave our home. I want my dad back.”

Put your feet in the shoes of this child. From the child’s perspective, his/her family has been torn apart. A stranger is now sharing the house, giving instructions and “meddling” with his/her life. This new setup is beyond the child’s control; it was not his/her choice. It is very challenging to live with a total stranger. Your biological parent is no longer exclusively yours. You have lost the daily presence of one of your biological parents. Family schedule and holidays become complicated. This change in the life of a child is very challenging. Getting used to the new situation requires time, patience, and understanding from all family members.

Anger and bitterness linger long after the parents’ divorce has been finalized. The child grieves and finds it difficult to forgive the biological parents and the stepparent. The child will struggle to obey his/her stepparent without dishonoring the biological parent. There is a constant division of loyalties, the price that children pay for divorce.

How can you build a new and happy family?

The new family is not a replacement of the old family. The stepparent can never replace the biological parent and must not try to replace him or her. Be as you are; do not replicate the things that the biological parent did. You must also communicate and reach out to your stepchild and encourage emotional expression. Be prepared for unpleasant encounters and reassure the child that no matter what they feel, you understand and can handle and deal with it.

Patience can heal. You can’t make your stepchild like you overnight. It will take time for him or her to understand and accept the situation and you. It is just normal for a child to desire the original family to avoid complications; complications that lead to division of loyalties, visitation and deciding where to spend important dates.

Don’t force yourself into the child, demanding for immediate closeness. Give him/her space to weigh the situation and accept whatever he/she can’t change. It takes time for a child to get to know and accept a new adult in his/her house and feel comfortable having the stepparent living in the house instead of his/her biological parent.

Remember that you are not his/her biological parent so allow for privacy of the child’s physical body. Be extra sensitive to physical boundaries – you did not change their diapers, bathe them, or tuck them into bed every night.

Divorce parenting is difficult; not just for you for the child as well.

Love versus Fear

Just because you’re married or have been through a lot in your relationship doesn’t mean you know everything about love. Do you know that fear can destroy love or to make the statement more positive, love conquers fear? Here is how it does just that.

Love provides the space to allow you to process your emotions; fear causes you to jump into conclusions. Fear makes you to second guess yourself, analyze or attempt to figure out someone else. It is the critic inside your head that tells you that you did something wrong and that your man does not love you anymore because you pissed him off.  Love on the other hand, slows you down, gives you peace and allows you to be reasonable. Love enables you to ask questions, guarding the way you ask those questions. Love would make you fully understand something before you respond.

The situation, stereotypes, and expectations may prevent you from experiencing love. If you did not get a text message immediately, you could jump into conclusions because of jealousy. Love is not jealous; love comforts you and allows you to process your emotions. Love does not jump into conclusions.

Love lives in the present while fear keeps traveling to the past. Love heals a hurt instantly while fear does not forget and keeps a grudge.  Fear tends to spend most of its time thinking through and planning. Fear can even insist on having things in a particular order. Love on the other hand will tell you that you are where you are supposed to be, so enjoy the moment.

Fear zaps your energy; love produces energy.  Fear will make you think that a simple fight with your spouse or boyfriend will lead to your life falling apart; thus, making you freak out. Love understands that these are merely experiences; they are the dramas of life. These ups and downs of life will enrich your insight and knowledge about life. Love transforms your negative thoughts and feelings into insights that will help you become a mature individual.

Love does not lie nor judge. Fear makes up lies such as the prettier you are, the more likely you will be loved. Love reveals the truth and it does not judge a person by her outward appearance.

Love is independent. Love does not care about background, age, religion or even the past. You may feel messed up from time to time. You may have said the wrong thing or behaved rudely. With love there are no mistakes; only choices.  You can therefore choose to fear or to love.

Love enables you to set limits and boundaries. Listen to me students… spending long hours on the phone rather than attending to your homework leads to unproductive time for you and your boyfriend. Love will tell you to wait and not allow your sexual desires to reign supreme over your life goals.

Love is strong, resilient, and compassionate without the mental stress. You help, you support, and you empathize but are not drained in the process because you want to do what you do.

Sleep My Baby

To Speak or Not To Speak

Communication is vital in any relationship. Communication, though, is not just the spoken word but it is also the unspoken word. Know when to speak and not to speak to help your relationship prosper.

On teacher told her students, “Children always modulate your voice when you speak and do not add to the din of this world.” Our world is just too noisy; everyone is talking and no one is listening. Too much talk or spoken words lead to chaos. It is important that we learn to keep quiet especially when the words we want to say can harm the person we are talking to.  Silence, like time, is gold. Silence is very important in arguments.

There is a time to speak and a time to keep quiet. How many times have you regretted that you uttered just too many words?

When is it best to speak and when is it best to just keep quiet?

1) It is better to be silent than display your anger. Anger makes a man lose his common sense. All he wants to do is to get back at his opponent. Physical hurt is healed but words spoken out of anger will never heal. The hurtful words you speak are like cancer that skills the spirit. The ability to control your tongue when you are angry is a sign of maturity and strength.

After the argument you will thank yourself that you kept silent. When the dust is clear and your wife has cleared her mind and become more sensible, she will have more respect for you for keeping your cool rather than probably getting back at her with equally bitter words.

2) Better to be silent than display your ignorance. Sometimes your eagerness to be part of a conversation especially when you are in a group of new acquaintances will reveal the true you. A fish is caught by its mouth. Keep silent if you have less knowledge of the topic being discussed or end up as a fool.  The Bible in Proverbs 17:27 defines this well, “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”

They will not take your silence as ignorance but if you speak up and made the wrong comments, then your ignorance is revealed.

3) Better to be silent than be sorry. A friend of mine told me that she can’t avoid speaking out because she is a frank person. Being frank is okay but you need to choose your words. You can say that you disagree or don’t like what your friend did, but say it in a nice way. Do not be brutally frank and be sorry later on. If you have to vent out strong emotions, shout it out in the open field but don’t lash out on people.

When you speak out make sure that it is to inspire and care for others. If not, it will be better to keep silent so that you don’t add to the noise and chaos of this world.

 

Just Trash Him

Do you feel this way about your husband, boyfriend, or someone you’ve dated?  You may find this funny, but I bet you’ve somehow thought about doing this at least once in your relationship.

 

Just Fix It

What’s Your Score?

Sometimes you don’t need a counselor to tell you that you how serious your relationship problem is. Rate your relationship issue now.

1. Have you long stopped being friends? Before you even became an item, you were friends. Friendship is an essential element to a relationship. Remember that a friend in need is a friend indeed.

2. Are you intentional in your actions? Do you find ways to show and tell your special someone how much he or she means to you? Or do you intentionally hurt their feelings by not appreciating them? During arguments, do you unleash hurtful comments?

3. Do you fix conflicts immediately or do you take them for granted? Take the common adage, “Don’t go to sleep angry”, to heart. Fix your issues before they balloon out of proportion and consume you to days without end.

4. Is there enough space in your relationship? Even married couples need space to express their individuality. Allow enough space for your relationship to grow its branches.

5. What happened to your romance? No matter how long you have been in relationship, you still need cheesy moments to tickle your funny bones and ignite your love. Keep your love sparkling with romantic gestures every once in a while.

6. Do you get back at your partner? Heed what the Bible says, “Turn the other cheek”. When your partner embarrasses you, don’t respond with harsh treatment. Quoting again from the Bible, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”.

7. Are you making compromises? Black is not always black; it can be gray sometimes. Relationships can progress only with compromises. During arguments your goal must not be about winning the argument but about earning the trust and respect of your partner.

8. Do you emphatise with your partner? Wear your partner’s shoes when in conflict or when you think she’s over reacting or you think he is unreasonable.

9. Are you always assuming that your partner will not mind? That he or she understands? When in doubt ask; don’t keep on assuming. Assumptions can kill; it doesn’t hurt to clarify. Keep your line of communication open at all times.

10. Do you judge your partner and therefore expect your partner to change? When you became an item, you accepted your partner for what he or she is. As John Legend says in his famous song, “Cause all of me loves all of you. Love you curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections… “ Even imperfections become perfection.

So, what’s your score?

The Last Time

Please don’t wait for the last time or last minute to tell your wife that you love her. Marriage relationships will grow deeper when the simple words “I love you” are spoken, and spoken more often.

I came across the following story and I can’t help but share it here; not to frighten you and make your day bad, but to remind you that we don’t know when it will be the last time. Therefore, make the best of your every second in this life while it still is possible. Make every second count to make your relationships better.

The following story is from “Love What Matters”, a story of Dawson Willford.

“On July 7, 2016 at 12:13 AM my wife was dying. She just had an emergency C-section and went into shock. I stood by her head while she was bleeding out and remembered every fight we ever had and the things I never did for her. I couldn’t let her know how scared I was. I stood in front of my wife saying my final good bye! What do you say to someone knowing it’s going to be the last time you talk to them. I tried so hard to comfort her and tell her everything is okay. I tried to smile and pretend that it’s all part of the operation. They called a code blue and people started rushing into the room. She was shaking so much!!! I kissed her and asked God “please don’t take her home.” I thought about all the times I missed church at Way of life. I thought about how to tell my new family the bad news. So much was going through my mind that I had no time to enjoy my son. I had to be strong for my family. I had to put the weight upon my shoulders and walk with this load of having my wife pass in the operating room. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to pray because I thought God would shun me for not being a good Christian. I was so sorry and asked God if somehow he could just hear this last request. I was rushed to a different room and waited for about 10 mins. Jackie finally showed up and my heart was so so so so heavy with grief. I wanted to pick her up and carry her out of the hospital as if everything would be fine. I wanted to leave and have this nightmare be over! I stood with Jackie for about 3 minutes and the worst happened. She lost about 1 litter of blood in a couple seconds. I didn’t say anything, I was so scared. I just looked at my wife and couldn’t utter a word. I wanted to say I love you and tell her it’s okay. I wanted to help her as much as I could. I wanted to stop everything and start all over again. I knew she was dying in front of me. They called another code blue! This time my heart stopped. I thought why didn’t I pray every night! Why didn’t I love her like God has loved me! I died in that room! I truly died! I didn’t know what to do again. I watched helplessly as they tried to save my wife. People were running and pushing me farther away from her. She finally uttered a word and it was like the room went silent. She asked for some water and I knew she was leaving earth. They took me and my newborn son to another room. As we were walking I saw my mom and family. I wanted so hard for someone to hold me. I wanted someone to carry me like a kid and tell me it’s gonna be okay. I didn’t want to be a man anymore. I wanted to cry! I wanted to cry out to God and ask him why! I stood by my family for about 2 minutes looking at everyone and holding back all of my emotions. My mother asked me “how is Jackie?” I almost lost it and cried like a baby. I just shrugged my shoulders and said I don’t know yet. I was lying, I knew she was in really bad shape. I wanted to run back in the room and hold her but I had to take care of my son now. He had to be given antibiotics to prevent an infection from starting. After about 5 minutes I asked the nurses if I can go see my wife and they reluctantly said yes. The hallway to where my wife was is about 40 yards. I walked about 5 yards and started crying alone. I couldn’t keep up this persona for much longer. I was scared to walk back and hear the news. I wanted my dad to comfort me! I’m still his little boy! I had around 30 something yards to walk and God spoke to me. Gabriel my son I love you more than you can imagine. I heard you and I was there! I saw the c section. I helped the doctors find the problem. I saw when she hemorrhaged and made sure they caught it really quick. I was waiting for you in this hallway when you wanted your father. It’s okay to call on me. I will always love you. Just as you asked to save your wife. I’ve been asking my father to save yours. I walked with more love in my heart for everything in that moment. My wife and son are doing great and will be discharged Sunday. If you see me at church don’t ask me where I have been. Just say I’m glad to see you’re home!”

Be Sensitive to Your Wife’s Feelings

Did you know that you may have hurt your wife’s feelings? You may call women sensitive but they are sensitive for a reason. Try wearing her shoes.

How would you feel if your wife praises another man? She tells you that her boss is not only dashingly handsome and sexy but earns a huge salary that allows his family to live comfortably; his wife doesn’t even have to work! How does it feel when she always talks about her boss in your daily conversations? Do you feel irritated? So, if you refer to a woman as drop dead gorgeous, don’t you think your wife will feel hurt especially if you haven’t used that word to describe her? True, she may not be physically drop dead gorgeous but you shouldn’t rub it in. Actually she knows that you find other women attractive and most women are fine with that. But when you emphatically compliment another woman, your wife feels like you are comparing her to that woman and she’s not measuring up. Your comments may be innocent, but it hurts your wife. So, if you accidentally compliment another woman, always follow up your mistake with “But honey, you are first in my heart”. It would feel heaven for a woman to hear this phrase “In my eyes, you are the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Women seek compliments; they want to hear what they already know. Women seek reassurance. She values the opinion of her husband most. She needs to know you find her attractive during the times she dresses up for you and even when she couldn’t find the time to dress up because of too many house chores or when she is lying in bed sick. You need to speak up more and speak out compliments.

Most men are guilty of this; you take a second look when an attractive woman walks by. Though you are wired to notice and to appreciate beauty, learn not to gawk. Or at least be conscious and cautious when you are with your wife. It hurts your wife when you check out another woman. It may appear that she did not notice because she did not say a word; do not be deceived. She did not say a word because she doesn’t want to admit that she was hurt by your action; she’s trying to hide her hurt. Be sensitive to your wife’s feelings.

Your wife expects you to initiate a hug or a kiss. Physical affections make her feel loved and desired. But if you only initiate physical affections when you want to have sex, you make her feel she’s being used.

It hurts your wife when you do not pay attention when she speaks. You need to make eye contact with her. Do not look at your phone or your watch when you talk. Doing this will make her feel unimportant. It will also mean that you are in a hurry to finish your conversation and you don’t have time for her. You need to prioritize your wife over your leisure or sports.

Learning to be more sensitive to your wife will make her happy and will result to your happy marriage.

Next stop will be being sensitive to your husband J

 

Marriage Reminders

Most singles look forward to getting married. For them being married is the next best step in life. When the waiting takes time, they feel sad saying that if only they are married they will be happy. I remember our pastor once commented about singles feeling sad because of the long wait for their partner. He then told the singles to ask a married couple if they are happy. We just had a good laugh :).

Why is this so? Because marriage is not the answer to loneliness; marriage is a journey which can sometimes be a challenge. It is for this very reason why I decided to write about marriage reminders so you will be happily married. These are merely reminders because you know this stuff, but sometimes you forget or shall I say, you choose to forget.

1. Speak kindly to your spouse. Sometimes we forget to choose kind words thinking that our spouse will understand and will forgive us should we hurt their feelings with harsh words. We actually speak harshly to those closest to us. But remember harsh words hurt more than any untoward physical action.
2. There is no such thing as marrying the right person. Marriage is about becoming the right person. Don’t attempt to change your spouse because you will fail. Attempt rather to change yourself because you are more likely to succeed in doing so.
3. Once married especially when you have kids to take care of, you will find yourselves discussing about chores. Who’s going to do this and that? Take time to talk about something else and have fun doing the crazy things you did when you were single. Laugh a lot; it would help your marriage journey.
4. Remember that your wife needs to hear your heart. Keep telling her you love her and that she means the world to you.
5. Your husband wants to continue being your hero. Motivate and support him in all his endeavors.
6. Dress up for your husband. Don’t let the stress of family life wear you down. Give time to yourself; make an effort to look physically attractive to your spouse.
7. Forgive each other’s fault and never bring out that old issue every time you have a new fight.
8. Marriage counselors would say not to go to bed when you have an issue. But I would say, sometimes it is better to sleep it over. If you can’t find a solution to your issue and you are both becoming unreasonable, sleep it over and deal with the issue tomorrow. Sleep will give you rest and clear your mind.
9. There is no such thing as a “winner” in marriage. You are either both winners (keep married) or losers (divorced).
10. This is a common fault of wives. Remember that your kids come second to your spouse. You signed an agreement with your spouse; keep your spouse your priority over your children.
11. This is common among young couples. Let your wife cry; this is her outlet. This is not a big deal but be there to console her and let her know that you too are hurting when she cries.
12. Understand and respect your differences. You are of the opposite gender; you may think of your spouse as weird but that’s the way it is. Your differences will show more now that you are married.
13. Don’t run to your parents when you have a fight. You are now one; your spouse fault is your fault.
14. Be proud of your spouse and make him/her know. Let him/her overhear you speak highly of him in your conversations with your kids, your neighbors, friends, and your parents.
15. It will not kill you to say “Yes” more often than contradict your spouse.

Marriage is a journey and I hope you are enjoying your journey.